Dammit

Updates have been posted by Rachel and Courtney.  It's not what we were hoping to hear.  Words fail me.  How much can one bunny take?

Send more love.

Why the fear never fully recedes

Via Courtney at Bodega Bliss, devastating news for Mo.  Please send love if you can.  Her contact page is here, and her latest post is here.

I just...no.  Fucking no.  I wish I had a bottomless bag of happy, healthy endings to pass out like Halloween candy. There are some kinds of life-isn't-fair that I just can't accept.

20w5d

I'm falling back into the bad habit of going too long between posts.  This is just an attempt to break that - there won't likely be much of real interest (I guess no news is good news, finally).

We had our 20 week anatomy scan last Thursday.  All looks good, and we even got a cute shot of his face mid-yawn.  I need a brag book just for ultrasound prints, there are so many.  Kind of cool to be able to someday show him pictures starting from when he was less than seven millimeters.  I may or may not eventually post some here, I guess.  Same with belly photos.  My sister asked my mom to take one and send it to her last night, and I asked her to forward it to me, so...a current one does exist, along with the ones I took in the mirror earlier on.  I won't lie...there are two reasons I haven't posted any yet.  One - I still feel like the asshole infertile/RPL girl turned happy(ish) pregnant lady.  It's HARD to read those kind of blogs when you're still in such an unhappy place, I know (yet it's almost impossible not to, I know).  So as much as half of me would like to be plastering ultrasound images and belly shots up here...the other half of me just screams DON'T BE THAT ASSHOLE.  Not promising I won't, just...haven't yet, I guess.  Two - they are terrible shots.  My camera sucks, my mirrors suck, the lighting in that room sucks, and even the one I let my mom take with her phone is far from flattering.  Just makes me look like the lump of frump I pretty much feel like most of the time.  Excuses, excuses.  I am not complaining, I swear...it's still thrilling to be feeling movement and kicks and just so NORMAL AND PREGNANT, but I have to be honest - I'm not glowing (except that giant zit...yeah, that one, too.  And that one.  They glow in the dark.  I bet you can see 'em from space).  

What else?  Oh yes, registries and hospital tours.  Partly done with both.  I still want to see the hospital birthing center and try to find out if I"m too "high risk" to plan to deliver there.  Can't get much info from the website, but we're touring that hospital next Monday.  Unfortunately it sounds like my OB practice prefers to not go anywhere near the place, but...meh.  I'll get a new OB if I have to, I suppose.  The hospital they prefer is not terrible or anything, it's just very...here's your monitor and your IV and your Pitocin and your epidural and now good luck lying flat on your back and pushing against gravity.  We'll see.  If that's how it's gotta be, then so be it, but if I can plan something cozier and less...stringent, I guess, then I'd like to.  My only real plan is to be flexible, of course.  As usual, I'm grasping for control where little or none can really be had.

Oh yeah.  Happy Valentine's Day, if you do that sort of thing.  We really usually don't...it's just so obnoxious.  I have been fighting a cold that kept trying to turn into a sinus infection (OB said a Z-pack was safe enough, so I took it), so I didn't get to go to yoga last week...so I'm going tonight, now that I can mostly breathe out of both nostrils FINALLY, and Mike plans to cook a fancy dinner tomorrow instead.  What will be funny is if I'm the only pregnant woman at prenatal yoga on Valentine's Day.  Time to go find out....

Non-Icky Thumps

I am finally convinced that these little thumps are definitely movement.  It is weeeeeird, but very cool.  He seems to like sugar (duh), spicy food, and wine (shut up), among other things (unless of course he hates them, but let's go with likes).  Good tastes, little man!  Thankfully I haven't suffered heartburn (yet?  oh please no), so we'll keep that spicy food experiment going as long as I can stand it.  Eventually this charming jabbing should morph into OMFG KID GET YOUR FEET OUTTA MY RIBS AND QUIT JUMPING ON MY BLADDER, but until then....awwwww.

So I pretty much screwed up and ruined the "surprise" for my dad.  He'd said that he didn't want to know the sex...which I figured would be pretty impossible to keep up for the next five months, but he does have great powers of not paying attention, so...I tried.  And then quickly failed.  Oops.  We were talking about the tests and stuff they do right after birth (Vitamin K, eye ointment, heel stick, etc.) and my mouth was way ahead of my brain and the word circumcision slipped out (without even going into how I rolled my eyes when saying it because I may or may not think it's barbaric and unnecessary and a really weird meaningless religious ritual to whack off parts of genitals and no I don't think the purported health benefits completely justify it but no I don't have a penis myself so maybe it's not fully my decision?  Gah.  ANYWAY....)  Maybe his powers of forgetting will prevail, but I doubt it.  I feel bad, but...seriously?  How was that really going to work anyhow?  Maybe we'll be really lucky again and can stay ignorant ourselves a second time around (I know, what a terribly greedy thought).

On the preparation/home improvement front, we finally said goodbye to our nasty old carpet.  Wheeeeeee!  There's still plenty of finishing to be done, but the carpet is gone and has been replaced with some nice enough laminate.  I'm so over-the-moon happy to have an easy-to-clean, hard surface, even if it's not the natural, sustainable bamboo or cork of my dreams.  Next up, hopefully soonish - registries and hospital tours.  YIKES.

Here, have some tunage (yep, that's a word now, because I said so.  Or do you think it should be tuneage?) for your Tuesday:





(18w5d)

Sneak Peek

All is well.  The tech who did the ultrasound on Thursday seemed very pleased that she got so many measurements. We saw heart chambers, kidneys, various brain parts, mouth opening and closing under what she guessed to be an intact palate (could see both nostrils on the nose, which I gather is a great indicator), hands and feet, fingers and toes, and I'm sure I'm forgetting plenty.  Oh.  Yes.  PENIS!  

Still sort of wrapping my mind around that.  I had no expectations or preference or "feeling" about it beforehand.  It's exciting.  I think it's helping to be able to try and picture a baby boy.  I'm getting there, but I still fail when I try to imagine myself using the words "my son."  WEIRD.  But delightfully so.  I even scored a whole tub of gently used newborn-to-six-months baby boy clothes on Freecycle.  I pounced on it especially hard when I saw that it was posted for pickup in one of the ritzier suburbs, thinking that it would probably be higher-end stuff, and I was not mistaken. Some of it is ridiculously cute.  Some of it not so much, but I'm sure we'll channel Tim Gunn and make it work. Either way, there is a LOT of it, and it was all FREE.  I'm nowhere near washing and folding and organizing a nursery (furniture won't be assembled until after we put down the flooring in a couple weeks and paint...sometime after that), but the fact that I even had the gall to respond to the post and say, YES, I WANT YOUR BABY STUFF, PRETTY PLEASE seems like a good step in the direction of believing this is yes, could very well end perfectly normally, with an actual take-home baby.  We've even talked about names, beyond what Mike has always said he wants for a boy...I am insisting that some alternatives be seriously considered, even though I do love the name he wants - it's just a bit more popular than I'd like.  I don't want to settle on anything yet, but we've definitely narrowed it down.  For now.  Even if we end up with one of our top two, I still want to spend time leafing through a Name Your Baby book alternately hmmm-ing and wrinkling our noses at the possibilities.

Anyhow, we still get to go back at 20 weeks for the full Level II anatomy scan.  They scared me for a second on Thursday, wanting a "closer look" at my cervix.  I totally laughed out loud when she asked if I'd ever had an internal ultrasound.  If I weren't so freaked out thinking that they thought they were seeing shortening or funneling, I'd have squealed and clapped my hands YAY, MISTER WANDY!  But I was definitely freaking out.  Thankfully, the doctor said there was nothing of concern after all, just that they couldn't get as clear a view as they wanted abdominally. Phew.  

Still checking for the his (!) heartbeat once a day.  Or more.  I won't lie.  Very addicted to the Doppler.  I feel the need to make sure.  I am trying to pay attention for quickening (movement), but I don't think I'm feeling it yet.  Sometimes if I can't sleep I concentrate so hard on paying attention that I almost convince myself I've felt a bit, but I think it's just wishful thinking so far.  Hard to tell, really, but from what I've read it sounds like when I do feel it, I'll know it.  I should wait and be sure rather than trying so hard, lest I be one of those smug but mistaken pregnant women cherishing traveling gas bubbles thinking they're kicks!

(16w4d)

Not the end of the world

So.  Hi.  Yes, it is apparently 2012.  Well into it, I suppose.  I sort of loathe those recap-and-look-forward-while-resolving type posts so...not gonna do it.  Suffice it to say that my 2011 started off as teh suck thanks to the way that my 2010 ended, but slowly worked its way around to ending up pretty damned stellar.  Thankfully.  But I haven't forgotten how much the suck was the suck.  Lo, did it ever suck, and mightily.  I know so many people are still stuck in the suck (I swear I'm not trying to be Dr. Seuss with this), and I wish I could make the suck go fuck a duck.  I really do.

But, onto some things that don't suck, I guess.  Finally got an appointment with the peri/MFM.  My OB says they should have called me a while ago.  Clearly, nobody told them that.  I still have no idea if my RE has spoken to any of the OBs in the practice or the peri about my medication plan, so I will not be surprised (though I will be irked) if/when I get there and they ask me, so why are you here?  Le sigh.  Whatever.  The nurse (tech?  receptionist?) who scheduled the appointment for me said they would probably do an ultrasound and some of the anatomy scan measurements, though they'll still have me come for the full Level II at 18-20 weeks.  So that's nice.  I won't get my hopes up totally have my hopes up that we'll find out the sex.  And, of course, that we don't uncover any terrifying (or any, period) anatomical issues.  We've talked about names for both, but it still feels completely hypothetical somehow.  It doesn't feel like we're talking about naming a baby that's going to come out of ME.  Sixteen weeks tomorrow, though, so I'm hoping to start feeling movement soon.  I think that will help...though it could still be another month before I feel anything.

Also not sucking...I get a massage tonight.  I hope it's not one of those deals with the giant hole in the table for a giant belly to go through, both because I'm so not there yet and I have read that's not the best way to do prenatal massage (should be side-lying propped with towels).  Anyway, it was a Groupon, purchased before I was pregnant, and I have been waiting and waiting to be out of the first trimester (when I called they said they actually ask you to be at least 16 weeks and I said TOO BAD CLOSE ENOUGH ALREADY) and for the holidays craziness to be over.  I really hope it's worth the wait.  Ha.  There's a motif for you.

Check

Clearly I was still needing some perspective yesterday, and what do you know...boom.  Two things, one sad, one so happy.  Either one would have had me crumbled a year ago.  I keep saying it, but it's very helpful to have this link to the future that's starting to feel real, if still somewhat tenuous.

My Great-Uncle Stan died the night before last.  I was not very close to him, but I can only imagine how my sweet Aunt Lulu is feeling.  He had been fighting cancer, and while the information that filtered through to us was surely incomplete, it sounds like hopes were up and down that he might get the strength back to pursue more treatments. He turned 80 on our wedding day, so he was ... 86.  Not sure if I'll be able to go to the services or not, but I imagine it will be much like my grandfather's funeral, with many stories of a full and generous life.

My cousin and her husband had their second little boy last night.  It's so much better to be able to be happy for them.  I hated feeling envious when people announced pregnancies and had babies.  It's such an impossible feeling to describe...the happiness for them wasn't missing, it was still there, it was just shadowed by this...I don't know. Not jealousy - I would never want to take those experiences away from anyone.  But some envy, also wanting the same things for us...and mostly fear that I would never ever get to make those announcements myself.  I've gotten to trade some emails with her over the past couple of weeks, and she generously offered to send her maternity clothes back with her mom.  Much appreciated, even though she's probably at least seven or eight inches taller than me. Some hemming will be in order, I'm sure.  Plus I asked my sister to get them from my aunt, so then we'll have an excuse to get together.  Which will be right when the snow finally starts to pour and make travel inadvisable, I'm sure. But maybe not.  It's so weird to have had no significant snowfall yet at this time of year.  Nice, but not right.

Speaking of announcements...seems like I ought to be putting something on Facebook.  I want to, I just...haven't.  I did send an email to the one person on my list who I know might be hurt by it...but I never got a reply (which I explicitly said I didn't expect), though it would be nice to know she's at least seen it.  Should have sent it on Facebook rather than through regular email.  Oops.   Oh well.  But anyway...I'm trying to work up the nerve to just post it.  So many people already know, it seems silly to not be open about it there.  I just need to find the right words and do it.

just write

I keep staring at this blank screen trying to compose my thoughts.  It's not working well, so I'm just going to ramble on for a bit, I guess.  It's either that or fall back into the rut of not writing hardly at all, which is probably less helpful than trying to put into words all the things clanging the anxiety alarms in my head.  Let's try chronological order, to start, I guess.

Holidays.  Were very nice.  I hated them an awful lot less this year than in the past several years.  Still really nowhere near jolly or anything, but it's an appreciable difference from the active loathing I've had in the past.  It's helping a lot to have something to look forward to, I think.  I enjoyed Christmas Eve with my immediate family, and survived Christmas Day with Mike's extended.  Nothing against them, honestly, they're sweet people, but it's exhausting for me.  His mom had already told at least one person that we're expecting, but he clearly had not spread the word, so it was sort of our first in-person coming out.  It's...nice that everyone is excited for us, it is...I am just already weary of the advice and feeling a bit judged somehow.  I know, I know...any parent on earth will tell me to GET USED TO IT.  And I'm sure I will, eventually.  It does however seem particularly hard to swallow right now when I am still not feeling so sure that I'm going to get the chance to apply or eschew the advice.  Still a bit terrified that something will go wrong and leave me with only ultrasound printouts and a baby spoon from the RE's office as the things of substance that prove we ever got this far.  Yikes.  Not a pretty thought 'tall.  But that's what I'm doing here, trying to get these things out of my head and into the verbal realm, where hopefully they can seem a little less scary.

Shopping.  Oh I hate it.  Most of the time, anyway.  But I did a lot of it with my mother in law and with my mom. Well worth it, as I'm very spoiled for it.  Got a few actual maternity pieces, including a belly band.  Haven't brought myself to even cut the tags off yet, let alone wash and wear any of it.  Still doing the hair elastic through the button hole trick on my jeans.  It's working.  Not uncomfortable for the most part.  I did break down and order some leggings, which may be waiting for me when I get home.  I have not owned leggings since I was a child, but the trend that's now probably almost past is finally starting to grow on me...and I have to believe they'll be comfy.  I do hereby promise to always remember that they are still not pants, though.  Scary shit happens when people forget that very important point.  But they'll work with the boots I treated myself to right after Thanksgiving, and will force me to find more long tunic-y/dress type things to go over them.  I've slacked on the taking of belly photos.  I have a few from the early weeks, but it's now probably been two or three weeks since I've picked up the camera.  Not exactly sure why...I guess I'm not loving this part where I clearly look pudgy but certainly not pregnant enough for anyone to assume, especially with the frumpy sweaters I've been wearing.  I haven't gained much actual weight according to the scale, but things are definitely spreading, both in the middle and up top.  Just in case you wondered, it's no easier (but not impossible) to find a 34D than it is a 32C in the stores.  Well, in Target anyway.  I hesitate to order a bunch online - I'm not even halfway yet, so I wouldn't be terribly shocked if more adjustment is needed before we reach the finish line. 

Nursery furniture.  We haz it.  A crib, convertible.  A changing table and a dresser, too.  Well, it's bought and paid for (super generous gift from the in-laws), but we have to pick it up this week.  We're nowhere near ready to assemble it. The room right now is an oversized junk drawer.  It needs cleaned out, painted (which color I may not decide until we know the sex), and carpet ripped out (along with the living room, hallway, and master bedroom), and laminate installed.  It's insane to try and do all this inside the second half of a pregnancy, but it would be even harder to accomplish with an infant in the house, and I absolutely cannot stomach the thought of a baby crawling around on the current carpet.  Too gross.  Was there when we moved in, and since we knew we wanted to get rid of it (sooner than later then turned into eventually, of course), we never had it professionally cleaned like we should have.  It's icky. We have a long way to go, and frankly not a lot of money to spend getting there.  Going to take some creativity, determination, and maybe...magic or something.

OB appointment.  Yesterday.  Was good overall, I think.  She is taking the low PAPP-A result very seriously, and will follow any recommendations from the peri.  I didn't get an actual number, but the letter the peri sent my OB said <0.5 MoM.  So yes, very low.  My RE had said he would contact the OB's office to put together a plan for continuing/stopping any of the meds I'm still on, but he hasn't done so yet.  So my OB wants to have him coordinate with the peri's office instead, since I will clearly be their patient as well.  "Fetal surveillance" is what they seem to call this program.  She's definitely got me pegged as high risk.  Not warm and fuzzy phrases, but still better than intrauterine demise, which I could go the rest of my life without hearing again.  Short of quitting my job and spending the next six months lying on my left side, I'm not sure what else I can do other than follow instructions and keep all these appointments.  Went for basic prenatal bloodwork and a cystic fibrosis screen yesterday after the appointment. In two weeks I go for the AFP quad screen (which I'm sort of confused about since the first trimester screen gave low odds of chromosomal issues, but whatever, at this point I'm game for any needle other than those used for CVS and amnio), and another OB appointment, with a nurse practitioner appointment in between.  I'm glad to have an OB who's overcautious rather than dismissive, certainly.  It's the whole keeping stress levels low that's going to be problematic - sorry, but this shit is stressful.  Going to make an appointment for a massage, going to keep up with yoga, and try to maintain some level of calm.  I did forget to remind them about Rhogam, but I'm sure it'll come up again after they get the results from the prenatal panel.

Okay, there is more that could be purged, but I think this is plenty for now.  (14w1d)

[Notes to self - personhood and natural birth rants]

Chances are...chances.

Got a call from the peri with results from the first trimester screening.  Mostly good.  A tad worrisome, but I'm reserving freakthefuckout for necessity, which this is not.  Yet, maybe.  Anyway, first, the good:

• 1 in > 10,000 risk of Downs
• 1 in > 4,700 risk of Trisomy 13 or 18

But, of course, there has to be something.  Low PAPP-A levels.  I didn't ask for the actual number, since I can get that from my OB next week if I want it then, I'm sure.  She said not to panic, so I will do my best, that there's still less than a 20% chance of complications...which include IUGR, low weight for gestational age, pre-eclampsia, and pre-term labor/delivery.  Pretty much all my biggest fears after miscarriage and stillbirth.  I realize it's still more likely than not that everything will be perfectly fine, but I have a hard time finding comfort in statistics anymore.  Miscarriage is supposed to be 1 in 4 or 5 pregnancies, and we already beat the pants off those odds (not in a good way, I should clarify, just on the off chance you're brand spanking new around here).  (I'm probably not framing that entirely correctly, mathematically.  I'm the first to admit that I sort of hate stats and never grasped probabilities all that easily.)  All I know for sure is that SOMEONE has to be the one in whatever unimaginable number they tell you.  I'd like to think that it's my turn to not be that someone, but I know it doesn't work on a merit-based system; I don't necessarily get credit for time served.  In fact, I'd lean more toward thinking that past pregnancy failures increase chances for complications even in successful pregnancies.  I haven't googled all of this quite to death yet, and will still have to talk to my OB next Thursday of course, but right now I'm thinking that this points strongly toward staying on the heparin for the long haul.  All of these complications are placenta-related.  I of course don't know the detailed mechanisms, but I'd still somewhat ignorantly theorize that blood clots could easily contribute to adverse effects on the size and efficiency of the placenta.  

I guess the silver lining is that it sounds like I'll be getting lots of ultrasounds.  I'm sure my OB will have to confirm this, but the peri said detailed anatomy scan at 20 weeks, which I believe is pretty much standard for all pregnancies anymore, and then scans every four weeks until 32 weeks, and then every week until delivery.  I question whether I heard that last part correctly, but I'm pretty sure that's what she said.  Not sure how I feel about that yet.  Obviously, proper monitoring far outweighs whatever desire I had to get as close as I could to 'normal' with this pregnancy, but I guess I'm a bit bummed that it sounds like I'll actually be a perinatal patient.  I really kind of thought I would be back for the 20 week scan and that would be it.  It's a silly thing to be sad over, and I'm sure I'll get over it quickly...I was just beginning to enjoy somewhat seriously considering working toward a natural delivery, maybe even one in a birth center (albeit a birth center AT a hospital; I'm not THAT brave slash foolish).  Maybe I could still have these things...but maybe not.  I've just been happy to be allowing myself to think that far ahead, that I've not been telling myself that I'd better not get greedy with thoughts of a live baby.  It's actually been remarkably positive thinking for me.  I don't want to backslide.  

First trimester...check!

I've definitely gone much, much longer without posting (and that's still an extreme understatement), but I did not mean to leave that last dire, doom-and-gloom post up there for that long.  Not claiming a 100% turnaround, but Tuesday's "graduation" appointment with the RE helped a lot (finally got u/s pics that look distinctly more like a baby than a blobby, though the NT scan on Monday should be even better), and going to a prenatal yoga class that night helped another metric fuckton, and best of all, there should be a doppler waiting on my front porch when I get home from work today.  I really hope I can get it to function and find the heartbeat and it doesn't just freak me out if I can't. I forgot to actually ask for official clearance for the yoga at my appointment on Tuesday, but I never had official restrictions, either, so I just went for it (oooh, I know, I'm such a rebel...I use sarcasm but there is of course a sliver of my brain that fears I killed my baby with yoga.  Sounds so rational, right?).  Some places make you wait until the second trimester, and I pretty much did, but this instructor is really reasonable.  She just said, you would know if you shouldn't be here, so in theory I could have (and maybe should have) started weeks ago.  There were only three of us in the class that night, and both of the other women were much more pregnant than me, at 24 and 31 weeks, so I definitely did have that feeling-like-a-fake feeling, but it was also nice to do something "normal" for pregnancy, and I'm clearly in need of more exercise and relaxation.  It felt really good to break a sweat and to feel that soreness yesterday and today.  The Groupon for the five-class pass was a gift and I had been sooo looking forward to it.  I was a little afraid that the prenatal version would be all relaxation and nothing that required much actual effort, but definitely not - I can't wait to go back again next week.  I am still cranky and feeling stressed, but it helps to realize I do have tools to help deal and small things like these to look forward to to help get me from one week to the next without feeling like it's just one single giant hurdle to get to 40 weeks - breaking it up into bite-sized pieces should help, I hope.  It's the only strategy I've got, so let's go with it.

(12w0d)